Parenting is the hardest job you’ve ever had. I get it. But now your kids are all grown up and you should be reaping the rewards of your labor with a deep friendship, right? Ha. Not quite yet. When has parenting ever been that easy?
You will get to that deep friendship, but you’ll need to work through this hurdle first. The “new to adulthood” stage is the hardest time to be a parent if you have a child who is struggling with responsibility.
Does your young adult child have trouble with credit cards? Spending money? Asking you for money constantly? Having trouble with his grades? Holding down a job? Taking his future seriously?
You aren’t alone. You’ve been trying to help but it’s just not working. You’re getting frustrated, he’s getting frustrated, and you don’t know what to do.
I can help!
I’m in a unique place to tell you how to fix this, because this was me. I was the adult child who was clueless about money and so were most of my friends. I got through it and completely turned my life around. Since then, I’ve been helping moms like you navigate the (very treacherous waters) of helping your adult kids bloom.
There are TONS of resources on raising money smart kids, but you don’t have a kid anymore. Giving him a piggy bank won’t help, you have a grown up (at least legally). Your approach needs to be completely different because the time to raise money smart kids was between the ages of 7 and 14. If we’re beyond those ages, we need to teach through support not control.
There’s a big difference, but I’ll walk you through it step by step.
Helping Your Adult Child with Money in 5 Steps.
1. Hands off:
The very first thing you need to do is the toughest. Stop helping him financially.
Stop sending him money, stop letting him have your credit cards for emergencies, and stop treating him like a child.
Unless you own yachts and vacation homes, let him know that you guys are concerned about the cost of retirement and need to buckle down your finances. One of the best things you can do for your grown children is to let them know that you don’t have it all figured out either. You may be ahead of them, but you had to learn from the school of hard knocks too.
If he’s already in school, let him stay- that’s a commitment that you’ve already made. If he’s having a lot of trouble with grades and you don’t see him applying himself, let him know that he’ll need to get loans for next semester because you’re concerned about spending that amount of money for something that won’t pay off.
Caution: There’s a HUGE difference between a kid that’s applying himself in college and getting C’s and a kid that’s drinking and dating and skipping classes and getting C’s. Personally, if I could afford it, I would pay for college for the kid with C’s who is applying himself.
2. Get on his team:
You’re with him, not against him. Don’t lecture or get angry. Acknowledge or even agree with his feelings.
“You’re so right! Credit card companies are awful. I can’t believe they charged you $35 for a late fee! That’s so unfair!” Yes, of course it’s actually his fault for not paying his bills on time. But he doesn’t need a lecture from you, lectures won’t change his opinion of the situation.
You can talk at him for the next 5 years without understanding him or you can make him feel loved while he figures this stuff out. It’s you and him against the “system”. This allows him to feel comfortable to ask you for advice later on, when he gets to that point.
3. Be honest:
If you struggled as a youngster or as a newlywed, tell him about it. Don’t hold back! Talk about the time you had $30 to your name and had to feed the family for the week. Talk about the time you maxed out a credit card and it took 20 years to pay it off.
Talk about the wins you had too. How it felt when you became debt free. How it felt when you were able to buy your first house. How it felt to take that vacation to Disney World and know that you earned it.
There’s a generation gap between you- He thinks you’re old and couldn’t possibly understand the way the world works right now. He’s (a little bit) right. The world was different when you were a teen, find ways to show him the similarities. You want to relate to him and show him that you understand.
4. Hope for fear:
Fear is what causes people to change. It’s incredibly difficult to change when you are comfortable with where you are. I’m going to be kind of blunt here: if you continue giving him money, watching him make poor choices and continue supporting him, you aren’t helping. He will still fail.
At some point, you will be unable to help him: if all goes as you hope, he will outlive you. There is no way to help him enough to fix this for him. Even if you leave him a huge inheritance, without the life skills needed to manage it, he will fail. He has to fail before he can succeed.
He needs to have his cable shut off because he can’t pay the bill, his credit card declined in front of friends because he went over the limit. Something has to happen that makes him determined to never be in that position again. It’s going to be awful to watch, absolutely awful and my heart goes out to you. But you’ll get through it and so will he.
You want this spectacular failure to happen when he’s 20, not when he’s 50. There is nothing sadder than a person with children of his own who learns those lessons with the added responsibility of caring for a family. When you fail like this when you’re 20, it can be cleaned up by the time he’s 27 (earlier with hard work).
When you fail like this when you’re 50… it’s so much harder to come back from. The best thing you can do is to hope for that spectacular failure fast and get into a position for the next phase.
5. Be ready to give advice or to celebrate small wins:
This is it. This is your moment to shine. The failure happened, he had the fear, now he starts his journey to success. As you spend time together, he may mention small wins.
Putting $20 into a savings account, finding a cheaper cell phone plan, deciding not to use his credit card. Jump on that Mom! “You’re so smart with money!” “Great idea!” “What company is it? Your dad and I should really see if we can reduce our bills too”.
Let him start to feel like a success. Let him know that you value his opinion. Don’t comment on his past failures, but comment often on his successes.
You’re his friend now, not his teacher. He did this on his own, let him share it with you. Never give unsolicited advice, it immediately invalidates it. Build trust in the relationship first and he will ask you for advice. Over time, you’ll get to the point where you share money tips as genuine friends, but not this early.
If he asks how you feel about credit cards, you don’t have to lie. But if he’s telling you that he just negotiated a lower interest rate (a small win for him), don’t beat him over the head telling him about the evils of credit cards. The time for you to impart that wisdom onto him was when he was 12.
He’s too old to be impressionable to you anymore and he’ll likely disregard your advice. Celebrate the small win and wait for the opening of when he trusts your opinion enough to listen to your opinion on credit cards.
What if we aren’t just talking money? What if he’s getting arrested, can’t hold a job or is drinking too much?
This is going to be even harder emotionally for you, but is just as important. Hands off until he starts to help himself.
I’m a former State Trooper of 9 years. If your child is arrested for DUI/DWI, it’s heart breaking. It can also be the best thing that ever happened to him.
He’s going to have to pay an immense amount of money, be judged for an incredibly long time and will feel the effects of this for his whole life. But an arrest is not the thing that you should fear. Dying in an alcohol related car crash or killing someone else is.
This will be an expensive lesson, but if done right, it can ensure that he learns this lesson now, when he has time to recover. Let him fail spectacularly and learn to succeed.
You have an adult now. You can’t force him to apply himself, hold down a job or control his drinking. He will either do this on his own or he won’t. He needs to fear the future of the path he’s on in order to change. He won’t do that if you help him constantly. Love him and support him, but don’t enable him.
I can’t be that mean to him. Isn’t there something else I can do?
Yup! I’m a helicopter parent by heart. This isn’t natural for me either. I’m 100% dedicated to this system based on my experience, my friends experiences and helping countless readers.
If I haven’t seen it work so often (and seen the results of not doing it), I don’t think I could do it. So, if you aren’t there yet… try to look for ways that you can step back and not be as involved but still be a safety net. Don’t consider yourself the “Bank of Mom and Dad”, but if he can’t pay his cell phone bill, get him a pre-paid phone.
Consider bargaining, “I’ll pay for your groceries every week that you attend Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University with me”. Celebrate those small wins whenever you see them and minimize your comments on the fails.
Truthfully? You’re delaying the inevitable; he’ll still fail. But if there’s absolutely no way you can be hands off, then trying something is better than continuing to enable him.
Your role is changing.
The greatest achievement you can have as a parent is to raise children that succeed in life, in whatever way they consider success. He’s going to spend the rest of his life learning and growing and meeting his new definition of success. Your role is changing.
You’ll still be the most important woman in his life (until he gets married at least!), but you no longer have control over him. You can start to sit back and celebrate who he is as a person. Be a friend, a mentor if he chooses and always a supporter.
You can do this. I can help.
Was there a point in life where you were a failure with money that you overcame?
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Kathleen says
Excellent post! I am a parent of two boys 17 and 12. The oldest has struggled immensely and I have always been there to bail him out. He is now entering his senior year of high school and I have made it clear to him that this year he will need to monitor himself. Of course I will always remain his best advocate but it’s time for him to take responsibility and ownership for himself! Very nice to read your post knowing that you are speaking from experience as a young adult once in this position. Thanks for sharing.
The Busy Budgeter says
Thanks Kathleen! I’m glad you found the article interesting and glad you are helping your boys become financially responsible! I have a friend who has been bailed out by his parents on several occasions, and he keeps running his debt up to his limit, over and over again. He does it because there have never been any consequences. I pledge to not enable my kids, no matter how hard it will be! (And it is hard!)
Robert McDaniel says
Stick to your guns on that! Be prepared for heartbreak, depression and worry on a daily bases. They will cry, make promises they believe at the moment but inevitably fail to follow through.
To ease this burden you must realize that you’re helping him so he’s not dependent on you for many years to come. Without him succeeding on his own, he will never feel successful, responsible or stable. If you want him to fail and put yourself in a situation where he depends on you well into midlife, which will cause marital problems and inevitably divorce for him over and over, keep bailing him out. Doing nothing shows greater love than doing something to pacify him at the moment and allowing him to continue to make bad decisions.
You may even be reacting because of guilt. You may feel you were not a good parent when he was little. You may feel guilty for many decisions you made and are trying to make up for that by giving him what he wants as an adult. Welcome to the club! Most of us feel that way. Recognize you did your best at the time based on what you knew and believed. DO NOT compare yourself to the person you are today. You’re smarter, wiser and more experienced. Back then you were young and inexperienced. At the time you were like all of us regarding raising a child, clueless. Recognize that and don’t dwell on what could’ve been!
Maria says
Robert McDaniel, I needed to read this today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dall says
Best article on parenting advice I have ever read! I am mom to 4, and foster parent for over 22 years. I have training requirements to meet annually, so needless to say, I have read and attended MANY articles/trainings on parenting. I will use these suggestions with our kids/adult kids. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! 🙂
The Busy Budgeter says
Thank you for the very kind comment Dall! Kudos to you for being a foster parent as well! I’m glad you found the post useful!
Susan says
this was incredibly helpful. I’m right in the middle of this with my 25 yr old son. I knew I was enabling him, but couldn’t see where I needed to change. I’ve been speaking to him all wrong. I feel sad, a bit embarrassed, but hopeful, too. Thanks. Lots to think about.
The Busy Budgeter says
Susan, I’m so glad you found your way to this. That was exact hope when I wrote this. You don;t have to be embarrassed at all. Enabling just means that you love your son. Parenting is such a hard job and you never have the right answers. You have to keep figuring stuff out on your own. He’s going to look back one day and see a mom that loved enough to give him everything, then loved him enough to let him stand on his own, and became his best friend.
The Busy Budgeter says
It’s such an incredibly tough thing to go through Linda… there’s another chapter in his story though… One day you’ll get to see it.
Deborah says
Beautifully said! Every time I want to help my adult kids financially I am going to read this first!!!!
Darcie says
Wow! This is GREAT! We have two in their twenties, so your post is “speaking” directly to me. Great advice! Thanks?
The Busy Budgeter says
Glad to help! (and HI!- I know you!)
Rebecca says
I am a mother of a three year old girl and a two month old boy. This might not yet apply to them but i have watch my parents struggle with both my brothers on fianacle issues. My eldest brother(33) was just made to move out of my parents house because the young (31)of the two with his family where going to be moving in. The young is alittle better he actual is able to pay most of his bills, they just move back from another state so they looking for a place. My eldest brother is constantly out of money and pawning things and still doesnt have enough to pay for everything. My mom comes to me for advice so she could share it with them some how. I am a stay at home mom, my husband works and we live on our own with one income and have savings incase something happens i am 24. The only thing i been able to tell her is she needs to stop helping they need to figure out they can only count on themselfs to feed their familys. What other things besides that could help them. She wants me to show them how i do it and its just a budget i writen down baised off highest past bills and groceries. I dont know how to bring it up to my older brothers as i think they would take offense and thoughts?
Rebeccal says
I have two brothers 33, and 31 both older then me and unable to control their finances both have familys. Their wifes are the same they spend more money then they make. My parents have been supporting both of them for many years. My mom talks to me about it often and asks me how is it we can make it off of one income and my brothers cant make it off two. I only been able to tell her that i use a budget and stick to it and stay under what we make so we can save and have a back up. My husband at one point had been making several thousand a month and i was able to save 10,000.00 and he lost his job (oil companys were laying off left in right) and we had enough saved that we were able to get by for months until he got another job with out my parents help. She wants me to show my brothers my budget and help them figure one out. But my older brothers are 8 and 6 years older then myself i am 24 with two kids. I dont see them listening to me at all. My eldest brother’s wife needed a new vechical and we were saling one we sold it to them for 1800.00 after we explained what all was wrong with it and what need to be fix they decided to buy it i only recieved on payment of 200 from them (figured it would happen) my brothers opinion of what was going on was that the money he would have paid for it with went to fixing it and that fair was fair. That caused some problems between us not so much because he didnt want to make payments but because of what he said to me. I am just dont see either listening to their young sister and advice would be appreciated.
Lynn says
Awesome article! I was able to do this with my two born to me children but I now have a 19 yr. old foster son who came to us at 16. It’s really been a struggle. He also has emotional issues and major depression. Everything feels overwhelming to him. We’ve tried to help him stand on his own two feet but when he gets overwhelmed his depression gets worse and he becomes suicidal. He’s been hospitalized multiple times. If anyone has any insight to share I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks!
Ken Williams says
I made the mistake of co-signing a car loan with my son-in-law 2 years ago. We have made many of the payments for him as he has been on disability for cancer treatments and lost his job. My daughter has a job now and the son-in–law promised to make the payment due July 1 but didn’t so the credit union may report that to credit bureaus for both of us. I agree with your advice but what can I do now to retain my good credit rating?
Leah says
This was the best article I have ever read about enabling adult children. I was a single parent and found myself enabling out of love (which most parents start out doing…) however, this reinforces the reality that it does more damage than good as the message ultimately suggests that the adult child is incapable of solving their own problems. I am making some very important and necessary changes so thank you!
Stephanie says
My oldest just turned 20 last Fall and moved to California (we live in Idaho). He’s been terribly irresponsible with money his entire life, and like a lot of kids, is hooked to that feeling of “instant gratification.” Well, he called me Friday and his car was repossessed. My husband and I talked for hours about options, what we could do for him and what he needs to do on his own, then we slept on it. We woke up Saturday feeling like he got himself into this situation, he needs to figure it out on his own. We can’t finance or co-sign on something else for him because based on his history, we can’t trust that he would pay us back and we can’t risk ruining our credit because of his poor choices. It’s killing me not to step in and fix it, but I know that’s not in his best interest, or ours. We just pray that he will figure this out and learn from it. Being a parent to adult children is HARD–especially when they make poor choices.
Dawn says
Wow, so helpful. Exactly what I needed to read today; thank you so much. College daughter living on her own “working” on budgeting. Mom here “working” on not over helping or enabling. Excellent article!