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How do I stop my husband from spending money?

By The Busy Budgeter | 14 Comments | This post may contain affiliate links

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6 Steps to Reduce your Husband's Spending. * I was desperate! I'm so glad this worked. My husband doesn;t spend money out of control, but we just don't have a lot to spend. I've tried everything to get him to stop, but he just wouldn't. It was silly things, like coffee and lunch out. We had to get all the way to the step 6 but it worked! He hasn't gone off of our budget since!

How do I stop my Husband from spending money?

You’re only one-half of a team. If your husband doesn’t want to save money, it puts your financial goals in jeopardy.

I know, because I was there.

My husband Jon, has tons of amazing qualities. Natural frugality isn’t one of them.

You could have the best of intentions, be super financially savvy, and crazy motivated to save… but if your other half isn’t fully supporting your efforts, then you can’t be successful. It’s like playing tug of war; you save a little, he spends a little extra. No one goes anywhere and everyone gets exhausted.

Like everything in a marriage, you have to learn to work together towards a goal. If you don’t take the time to learn to do that, then you’ll always be fighting against each other.

Easier said than done right?

Maybe not.

I was really successful in getting my husband to stop spending. I married an amazing man who can fly airplanes, juggle fire, ride a unicycle, snap a straw out of a mans mouth using a bullwhip (don’t ever try that at home!), and brews his own craft beer at home. However,  I did not marry a budgeter, a saver, or a man who thinks before purchasing. 

This is the system that I used to turn him into the guy that questioned the necessity of my 10 cent purchase of clearance kool aid packs. (Also, as a side note: be careful what you wish for!)

All kidding aside (but he totally did that!), if this can change him… it can change anyone.

 How to get your husband to stop spending money Step 1 Listen

Step 1: Listen

I mean really listen. Not nodding in deep thought while you mentally counter every argument as to how he’s wrong.  What are his concerns? Why doesn’t he want to do this?

My husband is a “live in the moment” kind of guy. He couldn’t stand the idea of socking all of our money away while we lived a miserable poor life and then died (or got old and wrinkly) before we could ever do anything fun. Before you can move forward, you need to figure out exactly what his opinion is.

Depending on how he communicates, this could be done in one conversation or in months. You need to find out why he spends money and why he’s resistant to your ideas. These are two different things. First, find out what makes him want to spend money on things you don’t need, and then find out why he’s resistant to change (or why’s he’s unsuccessful when he tries to change).

We’ll use what you learned here in step 2.

how do i get my husband to stop spending step 2 compromise

Step 2: Compromise

This is where most people fail. To put it bluntly, his Cheetos and Pepsi are just as important as your debt reduction. I realize that Cheetos are a ridiculous way to waste your hard earned money. I realize that you could be debt free much sooner if you just ban Cheetos. I know that every financial book and manual in existence will tell you that your plan is right and his plan is wrong. Because you want to save money and change your financial future and his Cheetos are preventing that.

This isn’t a best practice budgeting pop quiz that you’re each trying to pass. This is life. You don’t get to win or be right.

You each get to live your life in whatever way you find fulfilling. You chose to merge your lives and live them together. If he can’t stand the idea of squirreling away all of his money while living on a sparse budget and having little discretionary money, he shouldn’t have to do that. If you can’t stand the idea of living it up, wasting your money, staying in debt and having no security for the future, you shouldn’t have to do that.

With both of your issues weighted equally (meaning yours isn’t more important because you’re “right”), find a way that you can both live with the outcome. This will be highly personalized based on your situation. If you get stuck on finding a compromise, move on to the next section since that can often clarify things. If it doesn’t, then come back here.

how do i get my husband to stop spending money step 3 goals

Step 3: Goals

Find your shared goals. You’ve chosen to live your life together, now it’s time to find out what you want that life to look like. Dream big; What do you want? To be a stay at home mom? To start your own business? To be able to tour Europe and visit Disney World every year? To be a professional golfer? To have your dream house on 30 acres next to a lake? Talk it out and decide what you want your life to look like.

When we started this, we both had hectic demanding jobs for the same company. Neither of us saw any other life for ourselves than working another 15 years and retiring. Our futures didn’t really excite us.  

What we found out when we did this is that I wanted to be able to stay at home with the kids. Jon wanted to be able to start his own brewery. Both seem a little ridiculous for a couple saddled with enormous amounts of debt and barely making ends meet at their well-paying jobs, right?

Within 1 year, I was able to quit my job and stay home. Now, at the 3-year mark, Jon has his own brewery. Being able to identify what exactly we wanted and realizing that both of those goals were achievable if we reduced our spending drastically and learned how to make more money was the tipping point for us.

Boom! Just like that, My spender became a saver. 

All of the energy that had been spent fighting over “save or spend” was now directed at achieving those two goals. We were instantly working together.

Palm tree on the tropical beach, sunrise shot

Step 4: Look ahead.

It’s a long road. It’s not always a fun road. Figure out a way to make the end of your goal a part of your daily lives. Wether you talk about it every day or have a vision board up in your house, you need something that keeps you motivated and reminding you of why you want to do this. Because there will be days that you can’t remember.

You have to believe that the end result is worth the sacrifice in order to make progress on this.You also need to believe that the end result is within your reach. You need to know that it’s just around the corner. 

how to get husband to stop spending money step 5 control

Step 5: Give him some control.

When you’re better at handling money, it is so tempting to take over everything and make sure that he’s on a tight leash. It’s easy to justify that you need to be in charge of everything because he’ll screw it up. This is your husband. Someone that loves you and has dedicated his entire life to caring for you.

Let him learn. Let him flounder and fail if needed, and let him learn to be better. Make sure that he has access to money every month on his own (even if it’s just $10). Make sure that you don’t make financial decisions without his involvement and consent. Every single decision like “which credit card should we pay down first” should give him an opportunity and a chance to be involved. I know

I know you’re better at money and I know you’re scared to give up that control. But I want you to look for major sustainable long term results on this, not a quick but fleeting change. You need him to feel confident is his ability to manage money and to feel responsible for the outcome of your financial situation.

hand holding black gamepad on a front of big screen with soccer game

Step 6: (for the particularly resistant husband) Bribery.

When all else fails, resort to bribery. I’m being totally serious. Hear me out here.

Offer to buy him a Xbox if he’ll go through Financial Peace University (from Dave Ramsey) with you. Why in the world would you spend $300 on a Xbox when your finances are a mess? Because without you both going in the same direction, your efforts are wasted. Getting him on board with saving money is your only hope if the above steps didn’t work. That $300 will likely save you hundreds of thousands in your lives. Assuming, it won’t impact your ability to feed your family… Make the deal, take Financial Peace University and let Dave work his magic. If you aren’t afraid to be in the morally

Hint: If you aren’t afraid to be in the morally gray area, make the agreement that you buy the Xbox AFTER you finish the class. I give it a 99% chance that he won’t actually want to buy the Xbox at the end of the class. But… no need to tell him that when you make the deal.

I know how much your different views on budgeting affects your marriage. We’ve been there. I can remember thinking that there was no way out of the money fight cycle that we were in. I’m also here to tell you that it’s been years since we had a fight about money.  If you work your way through this list, you can leave the money fights behind you and start seeing the results of working together. 

Why do you think your husband spends money?

FTC Disclosure of Material Connection: In order for us to maintain this website, some of the links in the post above may be affiliate links. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and/or believe will add value to readers. 

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FTC Disclosure of Material Connection: In order for us to maintain this website, some of the links in the post above may be affiliate links. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and/or believe will add value to readers

Filed Under: Budget, Cutting Costs, Money Matters, Save Money Tagged With: budget, Save Money

Comments

  1. Julie@frugallyblonde.com says

    January 5 at 5:01 pm

    Years ago we started each taking $20 a week for our own spending. It has worked so well to keep us from fighting about each others spending. We can either spend our money each week on things like coffee or snacks, or we can choose to save them up for bigger things.
    Julie@frugallyblonde.com recently posted…A Peek Into Our Christmas and New YearMy Profile

    Reply
  2. Ann says

    January 6 at 4:17 pm

    Wow, this post will be helping wives everywhere!! I can already imagine the hubby and I sitting down for a nice long chat — or a series of chats, whatever it takes. I DO try to involve him in decision-making, and we dream often about what we could do in the future, but we’ve never turned those dreams into goals. And I’ve never really understood why he can’t JUST SAY NO. But now I’m gonna ask. Thanks so much for this!
    Ann recently posted…2015 in Review: My Top Ten Most Popular PostsMy Profile

    Reply
  3. hillary says

    January 26 at 4:11 pm

    It makes him feel better or gives him the I deserve its. I can’t even go to the grocery store without going over budget. It’s awful and frustrating.

    Reply
  4. Cindy Magee says

    January 29 at 12:41 pm

    I heart this post so much! My favorite part is about dreaming together. We’ve been married 18 years and have little kids and in the last couple years that dreaming has been put on the back burner. It’s been a great reminder for me. 🙂

    Reply
    • The Busy Budgeter says

      February 2 at 1:55 pm

      Dreaming together on the back porch on a cool summer night with hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies is pretty much my favorite date night ever. 🙂

      Reply
  5. B williams says

    March 29 at 12:06 pm

    Where was this 3 years ago? My husband is the same way. We finally get to a place where we have a little extra at the end of the month, and he buys snacks 8 days in a row…or decides that extra money means we can take on another monthly payment. ? After many fights and failed attempts, I finally made him in charge of finances. I told him if we fail, it’s on him. If we succeed, it’s on him. He’s doing a ton better now that he’s seen it laid out and been in charge of things, but he still can’t help himself if there’s cash in his pocket.

    Reply
  6. Nicola says

    September 5 at 6:31 am

    Ooh, I love the suggestion to dream together and discuss your future!

    One thing that works well for us is to have six bank accounts between us: we have a joint current account, a joint savings account, and our own personal current and savings accounts. Each month, we both put around 2/3rds of our pay into the joint account, which covers things like household bills, groceries, and date nights, as well as saving for our shared future. The other third is ours to do with as we please, whether that’s save, spend or a blend of the two. For instance, a down payment on a new home would come out of our joint savings, but a gaming computer to put in that home would come out of my husband’s savings. Of course, just because the gaming computer was paid for with my husband’s money doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to use it, just that he doesn’t expect me to pay for it because I don’t need a gaming computer and I’d be unlikely to use it much, if ever (in fact, I think the last time I logged onto his computer was about three years ago, in my pre-smartphone days, when my laptop died and I needed to check my email).

    This works well for us because we both work full-time in the same field, so we have similar salaries and neither of us feels like we have to ask the other’s permission to buy ‘fun’ things.
    Nicola recently posted…Monthly retrosMy Profile

    Reply
  7. tazzy says

    November 24 at 8:20 pm

    Great article!
    My husband is a spontaneous overspender and we’ve had many fights about it in the past few years. I admit I did not handle his mistakes well and I think it backfired on us. In the past several months, I’ve been better with my attitude and it has helped him a bit.
    We have a baby on the way now and I think he’s also starting to change a bit because of that. Tomorrow we are starting fresh with a new budget and new goals. Looking forward to some more progress in this area of our marriage!

    Reply
    • The Busy Budgeter says

      November 28 at 3:53 pm

      Thanks,Tazzy! We had this issue too!

      Reply
  8. Sarah says

    April 5 at 6:09 pm

    This is a wonderful post. Unfortunately I’m not sure that these tips are helpful for my situation. My husband is 29 years old. While he was younger, his mother built his credit for him, getting him to a score of mid 700s. What does his 20 year old self do? Goes and gets a credit card with a $10,000 limit and other cards. Racks them up with all sorts of purchases, including fast food. Only pays the minimum payment for years while it’s maxed. Needless to say, he now has approximately $13,000+ in debt and is in the middle of debt settlement. Still has not learned his lesson and won’t save his money. Whenever he runs out, he calls his mother and she never says no. When I asked him why he insists on buying tons of things he doesn’t need, he said he has the “Christmas” effect whenever he buys something new and it brings him joy to open a brand new item. He actually questioned that it may be a mental disorder. He also has a habit of buying things then returning them or exchanging them or selling them on eBay and losing money. Does he seek help or guidance? Does he try to change his ways? Nope. Please someone help! I’m the exact opposite, I’ve been saving since my very first job. We’re ready to buy a house. But can I commit to buying a house with someone so reckless with money? And I’ll be spending my entire savings on a down payment. If we were a partnership and equal, we would both have something to contribute to a down payment.

    Reply
  9. Debbie says

    September 15 at 1:44 pm

    We are reaching retirement age and own a business that is up and down and my husband still spends beyond our means. I Am the worrier and he is not. Is affecting my health and I think we need counselling because he always makes me think I’m the crazy one Help!

    Reply
  10. devoe says

    May 1 at 9:24 am

    help me man ….my partner and I work the same job and make the same amount of money ,I give him money as bribery just to come with me to the shops or small things ,I pay for the rent and food we eat ,I pay both our meals when we eat out at places most time I’ll give him extra money for him but he still keeps taking money from my account once he spends his pay. This isnt the first time it’s happened and when I start asking about all the money that’s gone he’s gets angry at me for wanting to know what he spent with both our paychecks .we also get payed fortnightly but he tends to spend all the money by the end of first weeks pay then ask for loans from family or tries to pawn my phone off. I literally pay for everything while he spends his on who knows what I cant keep track of my money cause he takes it without me knowing hence why I always have to hide money aside so I atleast can buy me food cause he even spends our food money .for me it’s hard I’m 5 months pregnant and eat once maybe twice a day cause there’s hardly any food . what should I do ?

    Reply
    • Dina Cohen says

      March 15 at 1:57 am

      My heart is with you DEVOE
      these are very difficult times
      We all have troubles. we must help each other.
      It is good that you wrote your trouble here and asked for help.
      this is the first step to change the situation
      Stay strong and surround yourself with support for your new born.
      It is possible to find communities that support each other
      Look for the strength to help yourself and your baby. the partner will either join on your terms or not.

      Reply
  11. diane taber says

    April 7 at 6:13 am

    hi we are really trying to get debt free

    Reply

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